“I will try my best”

I almost hate this statement. As soon as someone says it, I feel their commitment to a certain task is not complete. From my experience at work so far, I’ve learnt that you either do something or you don’t. “Try” is used by the uncommitted. I would rather someone say “I will do my best”. But even that doesn’t seem right. Can someone really do their best? How does one know what their best is unless they push themselves? When a performance exceeds all previous performances? And upon exceeding previous performances, how does one know that they can’t do any better? I think it’s impossible to achieve one’s best…only because one’s best can always get better.

To Err is Human....

Of late, I haven’t been thinking of myself as a very good human being. However, I recently read a quote by one Mr M.K Gandhi that goes something along the lines of “A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes.”

Gets me thinking….if I keep thinking of myself as bad, I’ll probably drop my standards of what is acceptable and what is not and probably repeatedly do things that I shouldn’t. I don’t want to do that. My standards are high and I should keep aiming to achieve those standards even if I fall.

I’ve realized, it’s so easy to slip in life. It’s easy to fall and stay down. It’s easy to say “this is who I am and I shall never be any better”. It’s easy to feel ashamed and not to fight the shadows in your head, the doubts and the fears. I think I’ve come very close to understanding why people chose to give up their lives or just throw it away with their vices. I’ve decided I will not be like that. I shall not forget my mistakes and I shall still hope that life will give me the opportunity to redeem myself. However I will not let them bring me down and let my life slip away. I shall become the man I want to be.

Jaipur.

According to the news 9 blasts took place in Jaipur on the 13th of May, 2008. The newspapers are floodedwith comments from public and politicians alike. "We will not bow to terrorism". "India will bounce back"."It is a cowardice acts targetted at innocent people"

I feel nothing but sympathy and sadness that these acts occurred and that many people have lost their lives. I sincerely pray for those affected and I wish them strength to overcome their losses. But two weeks from now life will be normal again. Not just for me but for a lot of people in India and I'm sure even some people in Jaipur. We attribute this to our resiliency - our ability to bounce back. We kid ourselves...or atleast I kid myself. It's not resiliency. It's total apathy. If it didn't affect me directly, I can't care too much about it. Two weeks from now if you ask me the exact date of the blasts, I will not remember. I don't remember the date of the 1993 Bombay blasts or the 2006 blasts on the Bombay trains. The same applies to the Hyderabad blasts at Mecca Masjid followed by the blasts at Lumbini Gardens and Gokul chaats or the attacks at IISc in Bangalore. I won't even think about any of these until the next blast happens. And then the whole cycle will start again.

I wonder which is a greater act of cowardice? The blasts....or my apathy.

Samasara

While browsing at Landmark yesterday, I came across the DVD of a movie called “Samasara”. I remember this movie releasing a little less than 2 years ago. I also remember wanting to see it. I never eventually did, but I recall a tag line from the movie that really interested me. It read, “How can you give up everything in the world unless you possess something completely?”

Makes me think? What do I possess completely? I interpret possessing something completely as something that can’t be taken away from me unless I give it up. Nothing comes to mind. Everything that I have can be taken away from me. Any material possession that I love can be stolen. Any people that I love can be taken away. So do I possess anything that is forever mine?

I think about the things and people that I love that are no longer with me. How do I feel that they are no longer part of my life? Do I feel sad? Sometimes. Do I feel a sense of loss? Not really? Why? I think maybe because the love is still there. “The vase may have broken but the scent of the roses lingers still”. I guess the love of something is a thing that can’t be taken away from me. So maybe I do possess something completely. But is love something I can give up? I don’t think I could even if I wanted to. Maybe as I get older with time, I’ll figure it out….or maybe I should watch the movie.

Zen and the Art of Debugging

Total Record = 24, Records Passed = 23, Records Failed = 1. Damn...a bug in code!
The first time I saw a report like this I looked around me helplessly trying to reach out for someone to help me. My heart started racing and my head went blank. What would happen now? There was a bug in code! The whole world would come to an end!

5 years, millions of lines of code and thousands of bugs later when I see the same report, I smile to myself, take a deep breath and say “here we go”. Finding the damn bug becomes my sole purpose in life. The world blurs out. Everything else ceases to exist. It’s just me vs the software. I eventually trace down the misbehaving lines of code and after giving them a good reprimanding fix, the whole world is at balance again.

Now, only if I could apply the same philosophy to my life. When something about me bothers me or affects my mental, physical or spiritual balance, why can’t I focus on finding it, fixing it if I can or removing it if I can’t? Life would be a lot simpler wouldn't it? I'm sure debugging myself would be a lot more difficult than debugging software, but most of the time my pholosophy is just brood about it rather than focus on resolving it. I wonder how long it will take me to acquire the skill of debugging myself. I hope I can someday. It will help me find peace.

What is the purpose of life?

About 4 years ago, while I was working long hours at office, out of sheer frustration I went up to my friend Praveen and asked, “What is the purpose of life?” He ignored me.
A week later we had our appraisal discussions with our supervisors. When Praveen came out of his discussion, I asked him how it went. He replied in identical frustration, “What is the purpose of life?”

So what really is the purpose of life? Or rather, I should ask, what is the purpose of my life? Hinduism and Buddhism both say life is all about cosmic balances. So was I given life just to maintain balance in this world? If so then am I supposed to represent good or bad in this world? Am I supposed to bring peace or chaos to people’s lives? Am I supposed to help or hurt? I have no clue. I know I’ve already done each of these things. But is that my only purpose? Either way, I wonder if I should even bother to figure it out? If my life is meant to have a greater purpose will it not reveal itself? I assume it will.

I know some people go on their whole lives in ignorant bliss without asking the question. And yet others die in total frustration trying to find the answer. I don’t know which group I will belong to. Maybe as life (and this blog) goes on, I will figure it out. For now, I just know I’ve affected people in good and unfortunately even in very bad ways. Right now the bad is winning. I just hope eventually the good will win. The good is always supposed to triumph over bad isn’t it?

Unforgivable

What do you do when you make a mistake you can’t fix? When you break someone’s heart you can’t mend? When you lose someone’s trust you can’t earn back? When life looks at you like you’re the worst living being alive and you can’t do anything else but look back? Life sucks doesn’t it. Welcome to my world.

I’m too much of a coward to go into the details of what I did, but to the core I made a promise to someone, gained their trust and then broke the promise. Unforgivable isn’t it? I never thought I’d be the kind of guy who would do that. I grew up believing that men who did that were not real men at all. I broke every moral that I lived by. I lost any semblance of character that I had. I lost respect for myself . And yet what can I do to change it? Nothing.

I know I will get my due someday and I’m ready to accept it. But it still doesn’t make things any better. I hope life will give me the opportunity to redeem myself. If not then I will die a very troubled soul and that shall be the curse of my existence.